She slammed the book on the table and screamed her guts out at me. She asked why I wasn’t clever enough. I took 6 tuitions for the 4 elementary subjects tested, and still wasn’t smart enough. I did try my best. It was never enough. I'm the oldest child, and my mum spent hundreds on tuitions ever since I was in primary school. It's painful to watch her, because I know I was getting no where with my grades. You know how they always warn kids against wishing to grow up because they'll regret it? Yea, I never agreed with that. As a child, I was terrified of everything. I always questioned why my cousins could get 269/300 for PSLEs, or why I was always the slowest in card games, or always coming in the last for memory challenges. Pardon me, I put myself down on a regular basis. It's not very healthy, but I still do it. The past shouldn't matter much now, should it? I try not to hold on to it too tightly, to shake it off, but I know it’s what defines me.
I don't like reminiscing much these days. It's probably just my current season in life where my past feels, somehow, a little bleak. Nostalgia doesn't really apply to me now.
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